Why Chris Berman Sucks

November 30th, 2005 | by Mike |


I’m not sure how much of our readership enjoys watching ESPN, or for that matter EPSN. I watch ESPN a lot, and thought I’m not convinced its exactly a TV channel squeezed from the birth canal of Satan, there are some things that I absolutely HATE about EPSN. I won’t bother to list all of my personal complaints, but 99% of them start with “I hate it when Chris Berman does…” Berman sucks. I’m not sure why he keeps getting treated like a god on that channel, but it needs to stop. I can feel the rage build up inside me when Berman decides to make his “Whoop!” noise over and over again in the highlights. Most of the time Berman makes the noise from hell when the guy isn’t even making a cool move, he just running! And don’t get me started on his ruining of a baseball game with his retarded “Back back back” thing he does when someone hits a homerun!

Ok calming tones. Deep breath. I’m cool now. The reason for the enraged tirade was a great list of 52 Reasons ESPN Sucks by the guys at the College Football site Everday Should Be Saturday. Thought I’m not as upset with everything as they are, they do seem to share in my extreme hatred of Chris Berman and that makes me smile.

14. Chris Berman’s “WHOOP!” noise. Berman will make several appearances here, since he’s one of the worst things about the network, so we’ll just list the offense and the death strike we think is appropriate. In this case, we think the two hand spiral neck snap, an old Seagal move, would be perfect.

Read the 51 other reasons why ESPN sucks, nod your head in agreement, then come back here and leave a comment on whether or not any of you care about stuff like this.

  1. 29 Responses to “Why Chris Berman Sucks”

  2. By fire berman on Dec 7, 2005 | Reply

    I cant even watch any espn show if chris berman is on it or that dumb ass stu either. the sound of bermans voice makes me puke.

  3. By fire berman on Dec 7, 2005 | Reply

    I cant even watch any espn show if chris berman is on it or that dumb ass stu either. the sound of bermans voice makes me puke.

  4. By Sparky on Jan 6, 2006 | Reply

    ESPN and Chris Berman are f*ing amazing, all should know this. WHOOP!!!

  5. By Sparky on Jan 6, 2006 | Reply

    ESPN and Chris Berman are f*ing amazing, all should know this. WHOOP!!!

  6. By Harper on Jan 8, 2006 | Reply

    Berman should be made into glue.

  7. By Harper on Jan 8, 2006 | Reply

    Berman should be made into glue.

  8. By Mike on Feb 12, 2006 | Reply

    Chris Berman and Stuart Scott SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Why won’t they die???????!!!!!!!!!!!!

  9. By ROB on Feb 12, 2006 | Reply

    Chris “I am a fat-ass” Berman needs to go. He’s needs to push himself back, back, back, back, from the all you can eat buffet!!!!!!!!!

  10. By Mike on Feb 12, 2006 | Reply

    Chris Berman and Stuart Scott SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Why won’t they die???????!!!!!!!!!!!!

  11. By ROB on Feb 12, 2006 | Reply

    Chris “I am a fat-ass” Berman needs to go. He’s needs to push himself back, back, back, back, from the all you can eat buffet!!!!!!!!!

  12. By Brizzle on Sep 23, 2006 | Reply

    FUCK CHRIS BERMAN!!! Sparky you are a fucking douche and you should go take your proper place an fellate Berman then you should both die fiery deaths.

  13. By Brizzle on Sep 23, 2006 | Reply

    FUCK CHRIS BERMAN!!! Sparky you are a fucking douche and you should go take your proper place an fellate Berman then you should both die fiery deaths.

  14. By Chris on Dec 5, 2006 | Reply

    What are you guys talking about. Berman is the man. I love his sentence long nick names that he can’t get out before the clip is over. I also love how he talks himself out of breath and then has to take a huge gasp of air. Bottom line is that I love how Berman tries to make himself the show and how he tries to make every single call the call of the decade. Did I mention that Berman and Jackson have been doing football for 20 years. Just ask him, he’ll tell ya. I’m not even going to talk about how cool his infant noises are.

  15. By Chris on Dec 5, 2006 | Reply

    What are you guys talking about. Berman is the man. I love his sentence long nick names that he can’t get out before the clip is over. I also love how he talks himself out of breath and then has to take a huge gasp of air. Bottom line is that I love how Berman tries to make himself the show and how he tries to make every single call the call of the decade. Did I mention that Berman and Jackson have been doing football for 20 years. Just ask him, he’ll tell ya. I’m not even going to talk about how cool his infant noises are.

  16. By Noel Dieterich on Dec 12, 2007 | Reply

    I hate Chris Berman and his cum-guzzling voice so much that I finally did a google search to find others who are as viscerally upset by his act. It is to the point that I now instinctively change the channel when I hear his voice. Now can we talk about Linda “who do I blow next to keep my job” Cohn? WTF is up with her?

  17. By Noel Dieterich on Dec 12, 2007 | Reply

    I hate Chris Berman and his cum-guzzling voice so much that I finally did a google search to find others who are as viscerally upset by his act. It is to the point that I now instinctively change the channel when I hear his voice. Now can we talk about Linda “who do I blow next to keep my job” Cohn? WTF is up with her?

  18. By Phil on Dec 23, 2007 | Reply

    I don’t know how he keeps his job. Once every couple of months the local sports radio station routinely talks about how much Berman and Stuart Scott suck. How does no one at espn see this. One of the great mysteries of our time.

  19. By Phil on Dec 23, 2007 | Reply

    I don’t know how he keeps his job. Once every couple of months the local sports radio station routinely talks about how much Berman and Stuart Scott suck. How does no one at espn see this. One of the great mysteries of our time.

  20. By Anonymous on Jan 31, 2008 | Reply

    http://deadspin.com/351147/chris-berman-is-somewhat-perturbed-with-the-help

  21. By Anonymous on Jan 31, 2008 | Reply

    http://deadspin.com/351147/chris-berman-is-somewhat-perturbed-with-the-help

  22. By james on Feb 24, 2008 | Reply

    I like sports, but i’m not obsessed with the ESPN hosts like some people are. Some espn nuts think that everything the hosts do on ESPN is brilliant. Chris Berman sucks ass, he thinks he is bigger than the game itself. Sean Salisbury is full of himself too. And how does Rush Limbaugh get fired, but Dana Jacobson keeps her job for saying “Fuck Jesus”? Oh I know why, because she is getting fucked by her boss. Pretty much every host on ESPN sucks, they all think they are the shit. I know I hurt some ESPN fans feelings, because the guys that are in love with espn have man crushes on the hosts.

  23. By james on Feb 24, 2008 | Reply

    I like sports, but i’m not obsessed with the ESPN hosts like some people are. Some espn nuts think that everything the hosts do on ESPN is brilliant. Chris Berman sucks ass, he thinks he is bigger than the game itself. Sean Salisbury is full of himself too. And how does Rush Limbaugh get fired, but Dana Jacobson keeps her job for saying “Fuck Jesus”? Oh I know why, because she is getting fucked by her boss. Pretty much every host on ESPN sucks, they all think they are the shit. I know I hurt some ESPN fans feelings, because the guys that are in love with espn have man crushes on the hosts.

  24. By djquick on Nov 10, 2009 | Reply

    In the past, I actually haven't minded Chris Berman, but within the last year, he seems to be loosing his voice box right before our eyes. All of a sudden, I find myself not being able to stand, as a previous post put it, his “cum-guzzling voice.” lol

  25. By 70706man on Dec 21, 2009 | Reply

    he is absolutely the worst. if he would use his normal voice then maybe i could deal with him, but he does voice variations and it drives me crazy! i want to beat his adam's apple in…truly, i hate him.

  26. By Oregonjimi on Sep 9, 2010 | Reply

    I know this dates me but Berman is a cross between Buddy Hacket and Ted Knight. … The man is a fool and a blimp. He's a blimpish fool.

  27. By jimbob on Oct 3, 2010 | Reply

    everybody on espn sucks. they ruin baseball and nascar broadcasts with the announcers they have

  28. By Leejdiegidio on Oct 4, 2010 | Reply

    i have to agree with all of you, yes berman is by far the worst, followed by so cool stuart. I would like to watch the game highlights but cant because berman makes me sick. Seems that all anchors are self absorbed, as for rachel nichols who does she know to get her job? I can tell you i wont eat at applebees, now. why does espn keep him and why do people continue to watch? they cant be that stupid can they? Oh yeah they voted for Obaman

  29. By berman_sx on Oct 11, 2011 | Reply

    The voice thing is too much. Its up, its loud,  it implies excitement,  oh no – now its low and gravel-like, can he not breathe – no wait its high – oh no not “whoop”. I cannot watch if Berman is on.

  30. By Gary on Oct 31, 2011 | Reply

    I’ve been stymied by the fat son of a bitch.  He is so un-listenable with his fake, low, gravel voice with the same old sound effects….”bah boom, boom” as running backs try to score……”back back back” ……and all the other tired fucking shit he keeps spewing on us.  He must think we’re there to listen to him, and not catch all the scores and film. Well now I just don’t watch.  Until a competitor comes on, I’ve stopped watching when he’s on.  Fox used to have a 1/2-hour highlight show and that’s no even on any more.  ESPN has cornered the market.  We are becoming a state-run country.  No competition and no capitalism will result in the end of our great country.

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