Weddings are a lot of things. If you ask a girl, they are “pretty” and “romantic.” If you ask the average guy, they’ll say weddings are “boring” and “the reason I bought my suit.” Although I certainly agree with that last reason, I think weddings also seem to find ways to bring the truth to the sometimes painful, itching and burning surface. Sure, we’ve all been to the occasional wedding where there have been some truths being pushed down rather than push up. For instance I recently attending a wedding where those of us that knew could not tell the others how the Bride and Groom met. However, those wedding moments are few and far between. The truth always seems to kick the lies in the nuts and spit on its face. My favorite example, and one I recently witnessed, is the old high school boyfriend that somehow snagged an invite and proceeds to get drunk off his ass, begs every girl in the place to dance and then tells each of them that he “was the bride’s first love”…which, after a few drinks, gradually morphs into telling them “That shoulda been me!”

Even Hollywood buys into this theory. When does the nerdy guy finally get the nerve to tell the cute blonde chick he’s loved her since she made a Star Trek reference in a report she read to the class in 8th grade? Her wedding of course. When does the hooker that the groom married in Vegas a year ago come marching in? The wedding. Alas, sometimes the truth can’t even wait until the ceremony to come blasting out. Its the bachelor’s party where the drunk best man tells everyone that one night in college he slept with the bride. Or the wedding shower when the bride feels guilty and decides to tell her friends that she’s knocked up. Even the invitation process can yield a wealth of information. Are you pretty sure your old roommate in college doesn’t like you that much? You aren’t sure until you hear people talking about how fun his wedding was. Bingo! Your hunch was confirmed…No, he doesn’t like you. What about another roommate from college? You know that one you hung out with all the time for years? He’s going to invite you right? Uh….I guess not. Don’t bother asking him if you guys are still close. You aren’t. I know, some sting more than others, but thats what my grand-pappy always said: “Boy, the truth usually sucks…and be sure to watch out for the clap.” Ok, my “grand-pappy” may have been a combination of some old guy I made up and Jimmy Doogan from A League of Their Own, but the point is still the same.

Don’t misunderstand me, weddings can be great. You can be getting married and having a big party thrown for you where you will surely net at least 12 ice buckets! But for the rest of us, weddings are lame, boring events that start with you being shushed by some crusty wedding planner and ending with you drinking a watered down beverage, trying to duck the drunk old lady that keeps trying to get you to dance (because “You’re so young!) and watching the lame band finish up its stirring rendition of Celebration. Well, thats assuming you even get invited.