I Have No Problem Beating Up Old People
A few years ago I was visiting my grandma at her retirement home in Oregon and I took a call from my lovely girlfriend and sat outside on a bench while we talked. Not long after one of the home’s nurses came out and asked me to come inside. Apparently some of the old people were worried about a young guy outside on a cell phone and they thought I was selling drugs. No, I’m not kidding the old skranks thought I was selling drugs. Not because they saw money or product exchange hands (because there’s no way they could have seen Octavio and I make the drop, we were behind his van) but because I was under the age of 62 and I was on a cellphone. After telling this story to my mom, aunt and grandma the nurse came in and revealed that it wasn’t “some of the patients,” it was one old skrank named Hazel Deluksy. To this day, I’ve never seen Hazel. If when / if I do, I would gee-fully yank her walker out from under the crazy old broad and then step over her on the way out the door on my way to pick up a new kilo of the strong stuff for sale by more understanding retirement homes.
While thinking about that story over the weekend, I realized that Hazel had some crappy luck trying to mess with a guy that, not only isn’t understanding of the plight of an old confused woman, but also has little to no morals to speak of and would drop and old lady if he deemed necessary at a moment’s notice. The thought also came to mind that Hazel isn’t the only old person I would fight. There are actually a few on that list.
- Hazel Delusky
- Bill Keane. Yes, the guy that unleashes the unholy terror and humorless crap that is Family Circus. God damn he sucks!
- Martin Landau. He just thinks he’s so great. Couple of broken ribs would literally and figuratively take some of the air out of him. Also, the bastard was in B*A*P*S*. He needs to get his ass kicked just for that.
- Senator Ted Stevens (R-Alaska). Here’s why.
- Your grandmother. Yes, even if she is dead. Because it would be easy.
Anyone want to add anyone?