I didn’t watch the ESPYs (EPSN’s sports award show) because I don’t think the world needs any more award shows. You want to give out awards? Fine. Please do it without the show though. They are always boring. Whether it be movies, music or sports, they basically always boil down to an industry self-love circle jerk, and I don’t have to stomach to watch them. Sure, channels like MTV and ESPN try to make it better with different award categories and hosts that aren’t cut from the usual comedian cloth, but it doesn’t work. Recently, the non-comedian host of this year’s ESPYs got himself in trouble with one of the jokes from his monologue. Maybe you’ve heard, or you…shudder…actually watched the ESPYs, but the host that I speak of was none other than perennial topic, Lance Armstrong. Armstrong dropped an anal sex reference in a joke that he pointed at friend Jake Gyllenhaal, who we all know starred in Brokeback Mountain. You can watch the video clip of Armstrong delivering said joke after the jump, or you read the relevant part right here:

Armstrong: [blah blah blah]…Jake Gyllenhaal is here tonight.
[Applause]
Armstrong:Jake, why are you sitting in the front? I thought you liked it in the rear.

Apparently, this joke garnered some ire or at least the thought and discussion of ire from a few sources. For instance, Richard Sandomir of the New York Times called it a “tasteless line” and wondered how it was not edited it out. I’ll tell you why it wasn’t edited out Dick: Because it wasn’t a big deal. Regular readers of this site will want to brace themselves right now…I’m about to defend Lance Armstrong. There is no reason why Armstrong should be getting any flack for this. First off, lets state the obvious. If you want to get made at anyone for that joke, Armstrong isn’t the guy. Lets not kid ourselves. Armstrong was simply reading a script. Secondly, in the grand pantheon of jokes, that joke sucked. It was the last of roughly 1,000,000,000,000 other Brokeback Mountain jokes and you could see the punchline coming from a mile away. However…if you narrow it down to the pantheon of award show jokes, then the joke isn’t half bad and actually gets a little extra credit for trying to push the Gestapo enforced envelope of modern TV. Lastly, whats to get offended over? Like I said before, its no worse than any other of the billion “Brokeback” jokes that echoed from the TV off every water cooler in the world for the past 9 months. How was that joke offensive? Is it more offensive than calling a Jewish guy cheap or saying a man doesn’t want to ask for directions? Of course its a generalization of a group, thats what 96% of jokes are. Wow, he called Jake Gyllenhaal gay! How edgy! Then add in the fact that its got a real shot at being completely true when you look at Gyllenhaal track record and you’ve actually have a pretty bland joke. Armstrong has actually been accused of being a homophobe. Come on! Correct me if I’m wrong, but there was nothing derogatory or wrong in that joke right? I mean “in the rear” as Armstrong puts it, is how a couple of gay guys get down. So what was wrong hateful in his joke? Its no more hateful that a gay man making a joke about how boring missionary position is. I’m getting tired of the knee-jerk reaction that if you say the word “gay” and you happen to be straight, then you are a homophobe. I guess the overreaction by people is better than the other side that spends their time telling people how to live and if they are going to hell or not, but not by much.

Now if I know Armstrong, he’ll probably redact his joke in some interview in the coming days. He’ll say that he’s sorry and he didn’t want to offend anyone with his comments and that he really shouldn’t of said that. In fact, he might have already released that statement. Either way, thats too bad, and I would go right back on the offensive against Armstrong. You shouldn’t take that joke back. You shouldn’t apologize. Leave it out there. Let Dick from the Times whine about it. Be a man and stand by the joke you had written for you and you practiced delivering in the mirror of your bedroom for weeks on! Who knows, maybe this will make your stupid bracelets more fashionable again. Nevermind, I think the wristband ship has sailed.

Hey new readers!

For more information on why Lance and I have a past (insert your own Brokeback joke here), read some old favorites such as:
Livestrong, die now! (Make sure to take the time and check out the comments.)
Livestrong, die now! II