I For One Welcome Our New Video Overlords

October 9th, 2006 | by Mike |

Did anyone notice that Google dropped a cool 1.65 Billion on a little site called youTube? What you smell is the stench of genocide filling the air as the Google Army takes down another major player into their fold. “One of us! One of us! …”

If there is one truly sad thing about this whole situation is that 1.65 billion (BILLION!) dollars changed hands not long ago and it all involved stock…e.g. invisible money. Boring! If I was one of the geeky looking guys in designer glasses that started youTube, I would mandate that at least some, if not all of that money, should be turned in to dollar bills and put into a huge warehouse so that I may put on my old man style “onesie” striped bathing suit and dive straight into it Scrooge McDuck style. Of course, my mom would be screaming from the edge of the diving board “You have no idea where this money has been!” but I wouldn’t care, I’m swimming in money god dammit! ( Before I get any emails, I know that Scrooge McDuck dove into gold coins, not dollar bills, but seriously people, its a cartoon…can’t you just be serious for a moment? ) How come no one really wants to experience their money any more? Huge deals go down all the time and how does it happen? A hand shake. I want to roll around in the money I just earned, or at the very least I want huge bodyguard-types to roll up and open a huge silver briefcase filled with large bills. You know, I might even settle for a new-age “money transfer” where after the deal is done the other guy turns away from me and says “Do it.” to a weaselly looking nerd that replies “Ok boss!”. Soon after some cool but totally useless map appears on his screen as we see and Indiana Jones style gold line move across the map signifying my money moving from Switzerland to the First Bank on Olive across from the Applebee’s. Then after a little bit of calculating sounds there is a big, “Transfer Complete” across the screen followed by an authoritative bark of “Its done.” from my business partner. I walk out of the warehouse by the docks and probably go get something to eat, like how you spoil yourself a little after that paycheck is deposited…maybe I will get the meal with my hamburger! Thats the kind of big money deals I want to have happen, not a handshake and stock transfer over a Moon’s Over My Hammy at a Denny’s. Thats lame.

You’re better than this Google and youTube! …but if you are in the market for a obscenely named site, feel free to show up at my place with your minions and a bunch of suitcases. We’ll talk.

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