How To: Rob a Bank
The first thing you have to think of is who are you going to get to help you in your bank robbing adventure. Lets face it, you aren’t nearly awesome enough to do this all on your own, you need help to get your act together. Of course you need to hire a crazy guy that wouldn’t mind getting to second base with his Grandmother if it meant he was going to get his share of the money (If for some reason you actually need someone to make out with their Grandmother, I hear Arkansas is the place!)…also, I’m not sure why, but I feel like this dude should have either a British or Irish accent. Also, you can’t forget to hire a calm quiet guy to be your right hand man, but more importantly you need to hire a huge dumb ass. This guy is easily the key to your team, and the reasons are two fold: 1. He’s huge. You need this guy to kick ass when situations arise like guards that watch too many Steven Segal movies or if during a late night meeting your two other guys start fighting about something stupid. 2. You need this dumb ass to take his share of the lot and go blow it on something hella retarded like The World’s Largest Pair of Sandals so the cops catch him and kill him in a blaze of gunfire and not you. If some of you were wondering “Hey don’t you also need a smart guy?” Yes you do, I was hoping you were smart enough to know that was you, but if you didn’t pick up on that, then…yes…get a nerd dumbass.
Of course you will need a ride. I suggest a large white van. That way you can paint some company name on the side so you don’t get anyone suspicious when you roll up to the bank. I like to be clever in the fake company name I choose for the van, examples would be “Heist and Sons Plumbers”, “Gone in a Flash Photography”, or “The We’re Actually Bank Robbers Electrical Company” this way you can feel clever (its always nice to feel clever) and the old smart Denzel Washington cop can drive by and see it and make the connection when he gets to the station. I know that sounds like a way to get caught, but its no fun if Denzel Washington isn’t chasing you after getting a brief glance of you face as he drives by and struggles to figure out your cryptic fake company.
As far as the actual plan goes, I would advise against getting too clever. Your best bet is to go in there, act cool, have your boys disarm the guards, tell the prettiest and blondest with the biggest boobs to calm down and put the money in the bag (except for that wad of cash that sets off the alarm) and then get the hell out of there. I wouldn’t tease the crowd, or shot the 97 year old retired cop that is now a security guard and was actually the uncle of the Denzel cop. I would also advise against leaving some kind of cute calling card…unless if course you thought of a really bad ass one like if you guys are all surfers and you decide to use ex-presidents for all of your masks.
Lastly, have some fun. Sometimes people get so wrapped up that they forget to smell the roses. Put your shot gun in the face of an old lady, feel free to hit on the blond putting the money in the sack and be sure to stop and kick that “hero” who tried to stop you until your big man kicked in so hard in the junk his you felt it while his down.
Be sure to stop back by and let me know how it goes, or just feel free to send me a new MacBook Pro in the mail with a nice note written on a large, unmarked bill.