Jimmy Kimmel is a somewhat popular comedic personality, and I never had much of an issue with him. The funniest thing on the “Man Show” was the fat little kid they made say mean things and Kimmel’s late night show sucks just enough to be horrible but not worse than Leno. Granted, being funnier than Leno is like being skinnier than Rosie O’Donnel, but he’s still not the worst. Basically, I didn’t need him to exist, but I didn’t exactly care that he did. That was until I saw him take his turn talking into a camera while wearing suspenders and cupping Larry King’s balls when he was filling in for the 348 year old talk show host. You may have already seen what Kimmel did on his crazy relevant episode about how much of a bitch it is to be a celebrity, but here it is if not:
I’ve never seen a guy turn in to a huge vagina on live TV before watching that clip, and it was pretty amazing. To sum up, he basically shot stupid juice all over the surprisingly cute (I’m not sure why its surprising, but it is) editor of Gawker, Emily Gould, because of their Gawker Stalker Map feature where one can email in reports of seeing John Goodman eating a live goat outside of the Starbucks on 82nd street. Its nothing that friend-of-the-site Perez Hilton does on his own throughout the day, but somehow Kimmel and his little army of douchebag PR guys and shit-eating lawyers thought that the Stalker Map would lead to the death of countless celebrities, even though nothing remotely dangerous has happened in the 4 years the Map has been going. He then goes on to whine like a little bitch about random people reporting to Gawker that he was drunk one time, and that not all celebrities are rich. …Oh yeah, there was also the part where he, Jimmy fucking Kimmel, told the editor that she should “take a look at her life” and hopes she doesn’t go to hell. Douche…
Here are some follow-up questions for Little Bitch Kimmel:
1. Why do people buy advertising on a website? Because they want people to see the stuff they are trying to sell. In fact, your chubby, penis-shaped head has probably been in more than a few web advertisements.
2. Do people really think you are funny?
3. No seriously…people actually think you are funny?
4. Although I agree not all celebrities are in fact rich, but aren’t those celebrities not rich currently simply because they spent their wealth on coke and feeding their posse?
5. Did you ask Adam Corolla if it was ok to make this “serious journalism” / sneak attack / Bill O’Reilly impersonation first?
6. Just like most “real” journalistic entities “fact check”, though thats debatable these days, don’t most “real” talk show hosts, especially ones that are supposed to be about the facts, let their guests answer the questions before the host cuts them off to insert their clearly biased opinion?
7. Why do you think that I have a strong feeling that you smell like sour milk on an everyday basis?
8. How exactly do you think that you are somehow a better person than, well…anyone and you have the right to look down your nose at her and tell her she should watch out before she ends up in hell? Fuck you man.
9. …yeah. That last one wasn’t really a question, and I admit that. It was more of just me telling you to fuck off. What are your thoughts on that?
10. Do you know why I was surprised to find the editor of Gawker cute? You think she’s cute though right? I couldn’t get a read on your feelings in between all your holier-than-though act and your “I clearly have a grudge, and there’s no way in hell I should be doing this show based on that reason alone” act.
Thanks Mr. Kimmel. I’ll send these over to your PR guy asap and see if you respond.
[Afterthought] I want this post to show up when you Google “Jimmy Kimmel” so bad I’m (re)skid-marking my Underoos. Lets make that happen!