Britney Spears Discovers Time Travel!
There is no other possible explanation to how the hell Britney Spears went from this to this and now today…the picture above. Britney Spears has created a time traveling machine. Of course, she has yet to announce her invention to the world, but come on…how else do you explain this? Plus, time travel would explain the head shaving thing. You always see time travelers with shaved heads in the movies! I’m not sure if its because the molecular structure of human hair is incapable of withstanding the pressures that time travel puts on the human body or if its because dudes with shaved heads look more bad ass when then appear in a ball of white light and lots of smoke. I assumed it was the later, and if thats the case Britney took this one step too far… None of that matters though because we live in a new age of time travel and its all thanks to Britney’s fat ass…whoops! Sorry, old habits die hard.
Check out the ass on Britney! Doesn’t it look familiar? Thats right, its the same ass from the “Oops I Did It Again” video. Time travel is the shit!
Britney Takes a Little Off the Top
Someone feel like explaining this to me?
It appears to be official, Britney Spears has gone “shave your head crazy”. To this I say finally and good for you Britney! Walk into a random tattoo parlor and get 2 new tats right after shaving your own head? Thats the way I plan to do it some day! Of course, I plan on being naked and holding a shotgun at the time. Plus, while the tattooing is being done on me, for free and by gun point, I’ll be rubbing my own feces on my chest. Everyone has their own style I guess…
I’ll be frank in saying I don’t exactly understand Britney’s reasons though. Her explanation for the new hair cut was “I don’t want anyone touching me. I’m tired of everybody touching me.” Sure that would have made sense for classic Britney, but new Britney? No one has wanted to touch her in quite a while now, though I will admit, if there are any “I still want to touch Britney” stragglers, this ought to stop them as well.
Of course we could all just be suckers. There could be legit and valid reasons for the new do:
1. She’s appearing in GI Jane 2: I’m Still a Chick
2. She got head lice from Paris.
3. She plans on going home and ripping up pictures of the Pope.
4. She’s entering that new militant wing of kabbalah.
5. She just went bat-shit wacko.
I just noticed that #5 is less legit but very much more likely.
You know Perez will keep us all updated on all Britney news up until the moment when we get grainy security camera footage of her robbing a bank and holding an AK-47. Perez Hilton is to Britney Spears drama as CNN is to little white children getting abducted.
Gratuitous Kate Beckinsale and Friends Photo #49: Jessica Simpson
Do you think Jessica Simpson is headed down the dark alley of ugliness? Some do. I don’t think so. First of all, she is between albums and therefore isn’t doing a lot of media events. People always think someone is “done” when they are in between albums and then they “come back” when their next album drops. Hell, just look at Weird Al. Jessica Simpson, is just spending her time banging John Mayer (and me on the side, but you didn’t hear that from me.). Yeah, I’ve seen the pictures of her boob coming out of her dress and it made me sad too, but I don’t think that it means she’s going to be riding shotgun with Britney Spears on a road trip to Skanktown. What it means is she needs to wear a bra more. I’m pretty sure a man invented the bra, and he wasn’t stupid. I think so guys forget sometimes that tits just don’t look as good when they aren’t in a bra. Just check out the picture above, her boobs are mushed up and they look fantastic. So does one saggy boob mean she is getting ugly. No. Its doesn’t.
Even if she did trip and fall down the fug hole, she’s one of the hottest broads out there, so she would have a long way to fall before she ran into Britney Spears shoveling Cheetos in her yapper at the bottom.
3 older examples of pictures after the jump…to remind you of the good boob smashing days.
Britney Spears Walks Her Fat Ass in to Rehab
According MSNBC and What Would Tyler Durden Do (One is my favorite news source, the other is some site I read occasionally…you decide which is which.) are both reporting that Britney Spears has entered rehab. One would assume that she is entered rehab for alcohol, but I think its more important that she kick the two addictions that got her to this point in her life to begin with: Her addiction to hoosier-ass, douche bag dudes and her addiction to the entire Hostess catalog.
Have you ever seen someone go downhill in every way as fast as Britney Spears has? A few years ago she looked amazing, now she’s a fat drunk that shows her baby conveyor belt ironically at the point of her life that no one wants to she it. There are mob victims floating in the river that don’t get ugly and bloated this fast. Not only that, but she is about 5 more drunken nights and cooch shots away from losing a paternity battle to her former husband and the current #37,690 selling artist on Amazon.com, Kevin Federline. Even though I’m a sexy chick magnet that has lived a privileged life of endless hot chicks and corn dogs every night for dinner, I know there is no lower low than having a judge tell you to your face that someone named K-Fed and wore a wife beater with a sideways yellow and black Yankees hat to a court hearing is a better parent than you.
Lets face it, we all need to move on to waiting for her sister to hit 18 and hope for better results for her.
Britney Spears’ New Clothes
No, your x-ray vision didn’t just start working, Britney is wearing a see-through dress. I don’t know who it was exactly, but someone told this diluted broad that she looks good in this. I hate that person. Look, I agree she lost some weight. She looks a lot better. That being said, she hasn’t lost near enough for this dress. The person that should be wearing this dress is Tara Conner, but judging by rumors, Tara wouldn’t keep the dress on for long before she brought a guy back to her apartment and made out with Miss Teen USA. By the way, did I tell you that I’m in love with Tara Conner? And once that guy comes though with my order to get me a clipping of her hair, my Tara doll will be complete! What will that guy that picked on me in High School think of me then, huh?! I can’t wait to bring her to the reunion! Everyone will be so jealous.
Paris Hilton is Smarter Than We Thought
Its pretty much common knowledge that Paris Hilton has been living her life on the wrong side of retarded for pretty much forever. I guess there is some slim chance that she was a smart baby and something fell on her or maybe she was even a smart pre-teen and then the syphilis she contracted from that first roll with the gardener has been eating at her brain ever since, but no matter the roots we all are pretty sure she couldn’t even beat Corky from “Life Goes On” in a Celebrity Jeopardy match. …But maybe we are wrong. I still think Paris is retarded, but maybe not quite as retarded as I once thought. For example: Check out the picture above from a few days ago during one of the many recent goings on of the new BFFs Paris and Britney. As I glanced at these pictures over the weekend I noticed something I didn’t usually see when looking at a picture of Paris. I didn’t feel revolted. In fact she doesn’t look that bad at all here. So what the hell happened? I’ll tell you what happened, Britney’s fat, white trash ass is standing next to her. It all makes sense now, Britney has been recruited as Paris’ fat friend like all the chicks that wanted to be hot had in High School and College. Everyone looks better next to a fat friend. Its the perfect accessory, you hang out with Britney, people are less repulsed by you and when they ask you why you are hanging out with Britney you just say something to the effect you are feeling sorry for her and you come out of it like a nice, better looking person.
I guess I could be giving Paris too much credit in all of this. This fiendish scheme could be the work of Paris’ creepy PR guy who looks disturbingly like the Emperor from Star Wars in a suit.
More photo proof of the plan in action after the jump.
Stop KFed From Entering Club Douche
Who doesn’t love a good old fashion “Hit Celebrities In The Face Repeatedly” flash game? In the latest itteration of this timeless genre you are a bouncer with one job: Beat up K-Fed so he can’t get into your club. It sounds easy, until Britney show up holding her baby Tater-Tot and plays human shield for her soul-mate. The game has a cut scene at the beginning that might be funny, but I had to play it at work with no sound, so who knows.
Link: Play “KFed”
Via: Kotaku