I Agree With Selena Gomez’s T-Shirt
This is Selena Gomez. She is hot. She is also 15. She knows she is way too hot to be 15.
Observe 2 examples:
This is just wrong. 1. Seriously!? 15?! Damn. 2. Showing up, dressed like that, with that shirt on. She’s just messing with us.
You know what? Fine! She’s clearly asking for it, so I’m going to give it to her! …I present to you…the Selena Gomez Turns 18 Countdown Clock:
Evan Rachel Wood Is Totally Getting Back At Her Daddy
Deadbeat Dads that run off and leave their kids behind or stick around and treat them like crap get a bad rap these days, but seriously think about where would the world be without chicks with “Daddy Issues”? You think that stripper that ground her ass in to your junk last weekend for 15 minutes for $20 would be doing that if her Dad had stuck around and taught her how to drive? Hell no. What about that chick in college or high school that you could always count on when you struck out with the chick you really wanted? Every time she got back up from her knees you should have gotten down on yours and thanked her Dad for never coming back after going out for that pack of smokes. Oh yeah, and lets not forget about porn. Porn’s no where without those brave men that sacrifice their reputation and dare to make the world the better place by giving their daughters a heaping spoonful of “Daddy Issues”. Hell Yeah Bitch! .com salutes you gentlemen!
Take for instance the fine work that Evan Rachel Wood’s father did on her. Why do I bring up 19 year old Evan Rachel Wood? No, its not because I like typing Evan Rachel Wood, its because she is appearing in her boyfriend, Marylin Manson’s new video and they have lots of sex in it…and its apparently not acting.
According to a source close to the production crew, Manson and Wood elected not to fake their intercourse. Though their naughty bits are concealed on-screen by bedclothes and each other’s bodies, the logistics of the shoot ensured the crew members had an intimate view of the proceedings: The video was originally intended to be shot in 3-D, meaning the couple’s writhings had to be shot from several different angles simultaneously. And just to be sure they got it right, Manson and Wood got it on three times for the cameras. (via WWTDD)
Yeah, you show your mean Daddy what a slut you can be Evan Rachel Wood (I do kinda like typing it.)! He probably really didn’t care or learn his lesson though. You might want to do a couple of pornos just to be safe.
Gratuitous Kate Beckinsale and Friends Photo #59: Elisha Cuthbert
How many times do I have to be late with this feature before I have to stop calling it a ‘Friday’ feature?
We’ve had Elisha Cuthbert as a “Kate Beckinsale Friend” a few times now, so when these pictures surfaced, I decided to dig a little deeper in to Mss Cuthbert. That being said…I didn’t want to go to more than one site, so I went to the aptly named Elisha Cuthbert Fan Site. The first thing you notice upon actually visiting this site is their little inane paragraph explaining what they do. Not only is it cut into with an odd ad placement for the gay (but hotter) MySpace, it also has this little nifty closing sentence:
Notice: if you are looking for Elisha Cuthbert nude pic, I have to disappoint you because there is no Elisha Cuthbert nude pic on the net. All Elisha Cuthbert naked pics are fake.
As you read that, you can almost see this geek’s hands quivering with rage as he types this on his keyboard. “My Elisha would never do naked pictures!” Well I have news for you Jack: Not only does she do nudes, she won’t stop sending them to me. Sure at first when you open your mail and you find an 8×10 glossy of Elisha Cuthbert spread eagle its the best day of your life, but 3 months later when you check your box and its filled with her latest “Me and My Cucumber” series it gets a little tiresome.
That story proves three things:
1. I’m awesome and chicks send me naked pictures all the time.
2. Elisha Cuthbert does have the ability to take her clothes off.
3. Naked pictures that are just delivered to you as opposed to the pictures that you have to crouch down someplace dark with your camera to take them just aren’t as exciting. I mean, I tried to look at the ones I got in the mail while cutting my palm with a knife, but it just wasn’t the same. I guess if you want that erection, you have to put in the extra work.
Here are some pictures of Elisha Cuthbert with some clothes on. FYI, don’t try cutting yourself while looking at them…it will just hurt.
Two more after the jump because you have funny looking ears.
Girls Gone Showering!!: Brought to you by Geek Squad
Who would ever guess that some geeky dude that works with computers all day is actually a sex-deprived porn freak? Well Sarah Vasquez didn’t think that, and she decided to take a shower while Hao Kuo Chi was supposed to be fixing her 8 year old HP Pavilion running Windows 98. (I’m guessing on the computer, but I bet I’m close.) Apparently Hao Kuo Chi decided that the first step to defragmenting Vazquez’s hard drive was to set his camera phone up in her shower and have it secretly record video. Step two was to get caught. We now go live to some standard grey-haired guy wearing a suit on the street…
Disgusting. What a pervert…woah, wait. Hello Sarah Vasquez! Nice work Hao Kuo Chi. You gave it your best but you failed. FYI, a little white piece of tape will cover up the red “recording” dot. For a bathroom backdrop, I like to use white duct tape cut pre-cut into little squares. Now, if that is too much of a hassle, and it is sometimes, you could just go with your standard drugging. They don’t care too much about red lights when they are face down on the floor right!? High-five!
[full disclosure: I worked for Best Buy in the past, but never as a Geek Squad member]
Gratuitous Kate Beckinsale and Friends Photo #58: Kelly Hazell
Ok, I punted last week. If I was a football player, I would stand up, dust myself off, take out my diamond fronts, pound my chest and say “On me dog. On me.” So are we cool now? What if I promise to stop pounding your girlfriend? Ok, deal. But its on you to get her to stop calling me.
Its been so many days since the last Gratuitous post, I almost forgot the goal of my Fridays…oh yeah, I remember…to give you a boner. (If you are girl, I meant: Illustrating the beauty of the female form…or something.) This week, I have someone that will get us right back on track with our usual Friday goal: Kell Hazell. Look, I could tell you how hot she is, but I know you already cheated and looked down at the picture. So basically you ruined it for me. Are you happy now? Hell, you probably aren’t even reading this. Shit, there’s now way anyone is reading this after you cheating bastards looked at the picture before you would let me lead up to it with some story I pull out of my ass painstakingly wrote for you! Dicks.
However, since I know that no one could possibly still be reading this, lets take the opportunity to confess some things and clean the cobwebs out of the old soul. It is Easter soon and I think that has something to do with Jesus, so confessions make sense. Here are 5:
1. I was the one that told Paris Hilton she was “really hot” and she should “..get out more in the public eye, they’ll love you!”
2. I lied a little while ago when I said I would stop pounding your girlfriend.
3. I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
4. Sometimes I quote Johnny Cash to make myself sound cool, but I just end up sounding like a douche.
5. I like to make lists that are one item longer than I really thought about, thus having a stupid throw-away list item at the end.
Wheew. I feel better. Enjoy your “straight 90″.
Two more after the jump because you are sexy and I love you!
Gratuitous Kate Beckinsale and Friends Photo #57: Rose McGowan
Damn Rose McGowan is hot. Yeah yeah, I know what you are saying: “Dude, Marilyn Manson hit that.” So what? You telling me if she was coming on strong you would push her away because a dude that wears makeup on stage and a fake pair of tits hit it? You and I both know you wouldn’t. Guys always talk a big game about their sexual morals when its just the guys but we all know that if no one was looking we would hump just about anything that weighed less than 300 lbs and didn’t remind us of our mother. For instance I banged the hell out of Rose McGowan all night not long ago and I didn’t think about Marilyn Manson once.
…Now just replace “banged the hell out of” with “fell asleep holding a picture of”, and “once” with “seven”.
One picture here, Two more after the jump!
Sexy Update: I added another picture after the jump. Lets just say nipples are involved…
Gratuitous Kate Beckinsale and Friends Photo #56: Adriana Lima
This week we have Adriana Lima. She is in her underwear. She probably likes it though because she isn’t a fatty. In my studies, I’ve found that fatties tend to like wear bigger clothes that provide more coverage. They also usually tend to gravitate (Get it? Because they are fat and have gravitational pull! Zing!) toward nature print style clothes to allow the fatty to blend in and not be noticed. Of course that camouflages method never works, which is why there is a lot of overlap between Fatties and Retards.
This is not to say that Fatties are something to stay away from. There are some out there that suffer from a lesser degree of being fat. These types are perfect for drunken dudes that just can’t go home and hump their pillow any more. They are also nice because, unlike good-looking broads like Adriana Lima, the Fatty knows it can do no better so will forgive all but the worst of relationship faux pas. The Adriana Lima’s of the world will drop you in a heartbeat for any little issue that may arise because they know they can have anyone they want.
…unless you happen to keep the only vial of the antidote they need to ingest every week to live in a small flask around your neck. Chicks are so stupid, every night they just fall asleep and you can just inject them with anything you want.
Gratuitous Kate Beckinsale and Friends Photo #55: Christina Aguilera
This is the 4th time we at Hell Yeah Bitch! .com have featured Christina Aguilera for the Gratuitous Kate Beckinsale and Friends Photo and I’m not sure its enough. She is looking quite good these days. Ever since she got out of her “super tan with black hair” phase, she has looked good enough for me to take down my poster of the kitty cat hanging on to a clothes line and replace it with her poster.
While Britney turned fat and crazy and Jessica Simpson doing…John Mayer, Christina really seems to have turned the corner into the only pop-chick I care to hear about. In fact, I prefer to hear about Christina than almost any other news. Johnny Depp’s kid is on her death bed? Um…who cares. Show me a picture of Christina standing in line at an Orange Julius! What is there a war going on? Don’t care! Show me a picture of Christina not really doing anything. Eddie Van Halen’s Grandfather…wait, I mean Eddie Van Halen is entering rehab? I don’t care! Just show me a picture of…oh wait, an aged rockstar that looks like a zombie going to rehab? Ok, thats news. I’ll have to look into that. In the meantime check out these pictures of Christina doing nothing in particular instead reading about that “war” the media refuses to stop talking about.
2 more if you are good and click the link!