Hell Yeah Bitch! .com

May 13th @ the Bottom Lounge in Chicago, IL

These two are the meanest ex’s ever and I love it!

First there were reports that Denise needs money even though she’s getting tons from Charlie and could make up to 25 Million because of what Charlie could make from his popular show “2 and a Half Men” [Editor's Note: Your taste in TV sucks America.]

Then there were reports that Denise wanted some of Charlie’s sperm to have another kid and then Denise released this:

Sheen branded her a liar and claimed she sent his fiancee, Brooke Mueller, an e-mail asking him for his sperm so she could have another kid.
Richards claims the e-mails sent to Mueller were fakes: “I don’t want Charlie’s prostitute-tranny-infested sperm. I have two beautiful kids. We’ll leave it at that. I am so over him. He’s the one who can’t move on. He’s disgusting and he’s hit an all-time low.”
“Last week, I sent Charlie a text message asking him if he’s going to Family Day [for daughter Sam's school] and letting him know Sam was sick with a cold,” Richards said. “His response was, ‘I hope you and your worthless retarded father get cancer and join your stupid mom. Rot in hell you [bleeping] whore.’ My mom died of cancer. This is what I deal with on a weekly basis.”

God I hope Charlie Sheen really responded with: “I hope you and your worthless retarded father get cancer and join your stupid mom. Rot in hell you [bleeping] whore.”  How awesome is that?  This is just me talking, but I can forgive a little Tranny-lovin’ if you have the balls to say that to someone.

Jimmy Kimmel is a somewhat popular comedic personality, and I never had much of an issue with him. The funniest thing on the “Man Show” was the fat little kid they made say mean things and Kimmel’s late night show sucks just enough to be horrible but not worse than Leno. Granted, being funnier than Leno is like being skinnier than Rosie O’Donnel, but he’s still not the worst. Basically, I didn’t need him to exist, but I didn’t exactly care that he did. That was until I saw him take his turn talking into a camera while wearing suspenders and cupping Larry King’s balls when he was filling in for the 348 year old talk show host. You may have already seen what Kimmel did on his crazy relevant episode about how much of a bitch it is to be a celebrity, but here it is if not:

I’ve never seen a guy turn in to a huge vagina on live TV before watching that clip, and it was pretty amazing. To sum up, he basically shot stupid juice all over the surprisingly cute (I’m not sure why its surprising, but it is) editor of Gawker, Emily Gould, because of their Gawker Stalker Map feature where one can email in reports of seeing John Goodman eating a live goat outside of the Starbucks on 82nd street. Its nothing that friend-of-the-site Perez Hilton does on his own throughout the day, but somehow Kimmel and his little army of douchebag PR guys and shit-eating lawyers thought that the Stalker Map would lead to the death of countless celebrities, even though nothing remotely dangerous has happened in the 4 years the Map has been going. He then goes on to whine like a little bitch about random people reporting to Gawker that he was drunk one time, and that not all celebrities are rich. …Oh yeah, there was also the part where he, Jimmy fucking Kimmel, told the editor that she should “take a look at her life” and hopes she doesn’t go to hell. Douche…

Here are some follow-up questions for Little Bitch Kimmel:
1. Why do people buy advertising on a website? Because they want people to see the stuff they are trying to sell. In fact, your chubby, penis-shaped head has probably been in more than a few web advertisements.
2. Do people really think you are funny?
3. No seriously…people actually think you are funny?
4. Although I agree not all celebrities are in fact rich, but aren’t those celebrities not rich currently simply because they spent their wealth on coke and feeding their posse?
5. Did you ask Adam Corolla if it was ok to make this “serious journalism” / sneak attack / Bill O’Reilly impersonation first?
6. Just like most “real” journalistic entities “fact check”, though thats debatable these days, don’t most “real” talk show hosts, especially ones that are supposed to be about the facts, let their guests answer the questions before the host cuts them off to insert their clearly biased opinion?
7. Why do you think that I have a strong feeling that you smell like sour milk on an everyday basis?
8. How exactly do you think that you are somehow a better person than, well…anyone and you have the right to look down your nose at her and tell her she should watch out before she ends up in hell? Fuck you man.
9. …yeah. That last one wasn’t really a question, and I admit that. It was more of just me telling you to fuck off. What are your thoughts on that?
10. Do you know why I was surprised to find the editor of Gawker cute? You think she’s cute though right? I couldn’t get a read on your feelings in between all your holier-than-though act and your “I clearly have a grudge, and there’s no way in hell I should be doing this show based on that reason alone” act.

Thanks Mr. Kimmel. I’ll send these over to your PR guy asap and see if you respond.

[Afterthought] I want this post to show up when you Google “Jimmy Kimmel” so bad I’m (re)skid-marking my Underoos. Lets make that happen!

Reese Witherspoon gets the award for winning nothing yet looking the cutest at the Oscars. Congrats and call me.

The new Hillary Duff: Now with more sexiness and 35% less “Horsefaceiness”.

Someone feel like explaining this to me?

It appears to be official, Britney Spears has gone “shave your head crazy”. To this I say finally and good for you Britney! Walk into a random tattoo parlor and get 2 new tats right after shaving your own head? Thats the way I plan to do it some day! Of course, I plan on being naked and holding a shotgun at the time. Plus, while the tattooing is being done on me, for free and by gun point, I’ll be rubbing my own feces on my chest. Everyone has their own style I guess…

I’ll be frank in saying I don’t exactly understand Britney’s reasons though. Her explanation for the new hair cut was “I don’t want anyone touching me. I’m tired of everybody touching me.” Sure that would have made sense for classic Britney, but new Britney? No one has wanted to touch her in quite a while now, though I will admit, if there are any “I still want to touch Britney” stragglers, this ought to stop them as well.

Of course we could all just be suckers. There could be legit and valid reasons for the new do:
1. She’s appearing in GI Jane 2: I’m Still a Chick
2. She got head lice from Paris.
3. She plans on going home and ripping up pictures of the Pope.
4. She’s entering that new militant wing of kabbalah.
5. She just went bat-shit wacko.

I just noticed that #5 is less legit but very much more likely.

You know Perez will keep us all updated on all Britney news up until the moment when we get grainy security camera footage of her robbing a bank and holding an AK-47. Perez Hilton is to Britney Spears drama as CNN is to little white children getting abducted.

Apparently the way to announce you are throwing your hat in the ring this year is to do it on the internet, so thats what I’m about to do. I, Mike Flynn, am officially announcing my candidacy for the position of Anna Nicole Smith’s Baby Daddy.

Let me start my announcement by saying it was a tough decision making process that I went through before coming to this conclusion, but with the recent announcement of even more candidates, I felt I had no choice but to step up. I know my opponents in this race will say “Wait, that dude has never even met Anna Nicole Smith!” But that is simply not true. Anna and I have met and I did have sex with her more than a few times. I can say now that it was gross, and I had to partake in a “Crying Game”-style shower involving Brillo Pads and sobbing after each and every encounter with Anna. That being said, my post-coitus activities have nothing to do with the fact that I should win the election and become Anna Nicole Smiths Baby Daddy 2007.

Look at my opponents! They include a blood-sucking lawyer, a member of the paparazzi and some douchey body guard. Are those the types of men that should win this election, the baby, and that sweet sweet money? No. I should. My only flaw is that I slept with Anna Nicole Smith and clearly thats the common denominator.

Elect me Anna Nicole Smith’s Baby Daddy 2007 and I will promise to go away and never do Larry King Live, use some of the money for good, and I promise not to accidentally leave the baby on the couch when I go to get a beer and then come back with my beer and forget I have a baby and sit on it for like 5 hours and then get up and go to bed for 12 hours and then pick up the blankets on my couch and do the laundry, still forgetting about the baby, and then find the baby in my clothes hamper all flattened out and hard with little pieces of fuzz all over it like when you leave a bunch of Kleenex in your pocket.

Trimspa baby!

According to CNN.com:

Reality TV star and former model Anna Nicole Smith was pronounced dead Thursday after being taken to a Florida hospital after being found unconscious in her hotel room, a law enforcement source with knowledge of the case told CNN.

Smith, 39, collapsed at a south Florida hotel and was taken to a local hospital, according to news reports.

Time to play a little Carnac the Magnificent: “Methadone, Oxycoton, and TrimSpa” …drumroll… “What are the three things that will be found in Anna Nicole’s body other than a box worth of Ding-Dongs.” “Hi oh!!!”

I’m about as shocked to hear this news as I was when Rosie O’Donnell said she was gay. Right? Who would have possibly thought that Anna Nicole, who spent the majority of the last 6 years slurring her words and weighing more than a baby elephant, would be someone that has an addictive personality and might kill herself one day? Shocking. Next your going to tell me that some day Britney Spears will get fat and ugly? Well, your wrong dude. That hot peice will never look like she swallowed a VW Beetle!

I hope I can finish writing this post before the lights in my apartment mysteriously turn off and I turn around to find a dark, scary figure standing in my door way just before I’m thrown out of window in an effort to keep their secret identity intact…

Time to man-up! I’ll just put it out there: I think Fergie is secretly The Batman.

You don’t believe me? Take a look at that utility belt that she was rocking while jogging the other day and tell me thats not Batman’s utility belt! Seriously. I bet you anything that broad is rocking two Batarangs and a can of Shark Repellent Bat Spray.

Ok, I just need to click “Save”. There! Hopefully I will survive to see tomorrow and not see the scary as hell face of Fergie in the middle of the night.

Seriously, she’s kinda ugly.

Thank god, no one noticed you checking out Jessica Biel’s rack…right Puff Daddy P. Diddy H.R. Puff and Stuff Diddy The Rapper Formally Known As P. Diddy Diddy?