Reese Witherspoon is boring.

The usual starlet night out goes a little something like this: Going out, then getting drunk and banging guys, then do lots of drugs and bang Wilmer Valderamma (Being on lots of drugs is the only way I can assume Wilmer gets the amount of chicks he does. Seriously what hot girl would even think about letting this queen-in-denial pound on them if they weren’t on lots of drugs?) Then wake up the next day and see your girly parts on the front page along with 145 rumors about who you are now dating for each of the 145 guys you banged or made out with at last night’s parties. Reese’s usual plans? Taking care of her kids, like shopping for food so her kids have something to eat…or, get this, playing with her kids. Whats that all about?! Sure there’s a few premieres mixed in her schedule, but she doesn’t ever get drunk and crash her car afterward, so those don’t count. I don’t know if you’ve heard Reese, but kids are not the current fashion accessory…stupid, spoiled, rich, mimbo heirs to old money are, or at least flings with random guys.

Here’s the skinny: If you ever want to get on a real career path like one Lindsay Lohan is currently enjoying, you need to ditch your husband, leave him the kids, and you and me speed the weekend in Jamaica doing it on the balcony of the house we rent. …and if you really want to party, I can call up Keisha Knight Pulliam (she is always holdn’) and we can get all coked up and you two can put on really short skirts and get in and out of cars and boats all night in front of the paparazzi. Once one or two really good gyner-shots (You like that? I just coined it.) hit the web you guys will be on easy street. Give me a call, we’ll set up the details. You can get my number from Kate Hudson, I’ve got her scheduled next month.

We of course have three shots of Reese looking beautiful at a recent premiere (2 after the jump), but sadly none of them are “gyner-shots”…

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