Jimmy Kimmel is a Whiney Little Pussy
Jimmy Kimmel is a somewhat popular comedic personality, and I never had much of an issue with him. The funniest thing on the “Man Show” was the fat little kid they made say mean things and Kimmel’s late night show sucks just enough to be horrible but not worse than Leno. Granted, being funnier than Leno is like being skinnier than Rosie O’Donnel, but he’s still not the worst. Basically, I didn’t need him to exist, but I didn’t exactly care that he did. That was until I saw him take his turn talking into a camera while wearing suspenders and cupping Larry King’s balls when he was filling in for the 348 year old talk show host. You may have already seen what Kimmel did on his crazy relevant episode about how much of a bitch it is to be a celebrity, but here it is if not:
I’ve never seen a guy turn in to a huge vagina on live TV before watching that clip, and it was pretty amazing. To sum up, he basically shot stupid juice all over the surprisingly cute (I’m not sure why its surprising, but it is) editor of Gawker, Emily Gould, because of their Gawker Stalker Map feature where one can email in reports of seeing John Goodman eating a live goat outside of the Starbucks on 82nd street. Its nothing that friend-of-the-site Perez Hilton does on his own throughout the day, but somehow Kimmel and his little army of douchebag PR guys and shit-eating lawyers thought that the Stalker Map would lead to the death of countless celebrities, even though nothing remotely dangerous has happened in the 4 years the Map has been going. He then goes on to whine like a little bitch about random people reporting to Gawker that he was drunk one time, and that not all celebrities are rich. …Oh yeah, there was also the part where he, Jimmy fucking Kimmel, told the editor that she should “take a look at her life” and hopes she doesn’t go to hell. Douche…
Here are some follow-up questions for Little Bitch Kimmel:
1. Why do people buy advertising on a website? Because they want people to see the stuff they are trying to sell. In fact, your chubby, penis-shaped head has probably been in more than a few web advertisements.
2. Do people really think you are funny?
3. No seriously…people actually think you are funny?
4. Although I agree not all celebrities are in fact rich, but aren’t those celebrities not rich currently simply because they spent their wealth on coke and feeding their posse?
5. Did you ask Adam Corolla if it was ok to make this “serious journalism” / sneak attack / Bill O’Reilly impersonation first?
6. Just like most “real” journalistic entities “fact check”, though thats debatable these days, don’t most “real” talk show hosts, especially ones that are supposed to be about the facts, let their guests answer the questions before the host cuts them off to insert their clearly biased opinion?
7. Why do you think that I have a strong feeling that you smell like sour milk on an everyday basis?
8. How exactly do you think that you are somehow a better person than, well…anyone and you have the right to look down your nose at her and tell her she should watch out before she ends up in hell? Fuck you man.
9. …yeah. That last one wasn’t really a question, and I admit that. It was more of just me telling you to fuck off. What are your thoughts on that?
10. Do you know why I was surprised to find the editor of Gawker cute? You think she’s cute though right? I couldn’t get a read on your feelings in between all your holier-than-though act and your “I clearly have a grudge, and there’s no way in hell I should be doing this show based on that reason alone” act.
Thanks Mr. Kimmel. I’ll send these over to your PR guy asap and see if you respond.
[Afterthought] I want this post to show up when you Google “Jimmy Kimmel” so bad I’m (re)skid-marking my Underoos. Lets make that happen!
Fergie is Batman
I hope I can finish writing this post before the lights in my apartment mysteriously turn off and I turn around to find a dark, scary figure standing in my door way just before I’m thrown out of window in an effort to keep their secret identity intact…
Time to man-up! I’ll just put it out there: I think Fergie is secretly The Batman.
You don’t believe me? Take a look at that utility belt that she was rocking while jogging the other day and tell me thats not Batman’s utility belt! Seriously. I bet you anything that broad is rocking two Batarangs and a can of Shark Repellent Bat Spray.
Ok, I just need to click “Save”. There! Hopefully I will survive to see tomorrow and not see the scary as hell face of Fergie in the middle of the night.
Seriously, she’s kinda ugly.
Britney Spears Walks Her Fat Ass in to Rehab
According MSNBC and What Would Tyler Durden Do (One is my favorite news source, the other is some site I read occasionally…you decide which is which.) are both reporting that Britney Spears has entered rehab. One would assume that she is entered rehab for alcohol, but I think its more important that she kick the two addictions that got her to this point in her life to begin with: Her addiction to hoosier-ass, douche bag dudes and her addiction to the entire Hostess catalog.
Have you ever seen someone go downhill in every way as fast as Britney Spears has? A few years ago she looked amazing, now she’s a fat drunk that shows her baby conveyor belt ironically at the point of her life that no one wants to she it. There are mob victims floating in the river that don’t get ugly and bloated this fast. Not only that, but she is about 5 more drunken nights and cooch shots away from losing a paternity battle to her former husband and the current #37,690 selling artist on Amazon.com, Kevin Federline. Even though I’m a sexy chick magnet that has lived a privileged life of endless hot chicks and corn dogs every night for dinner, I know there is no lower low than having a judge tell you to your face that someone named K-Fed and wore a wife beater with a sideways yellow and black Yankees hat to a court hearing is a better parent than you.
Lets face it, we all need to move on to waiting for her sister to hit 18 and hope for better results for her.
Donald Trump is Mean and Hilarious
You know about the whole Tara Conner almost losing her Miss USA crown? Well, it turns out, she didn’t lose it. Donald Trump who, lets face it, was probably just as into the fact that Tara gets drunk and makes out with Miss Teen USA just as much as I was, gave her another chance. I imagine that Donald and Tara sat down to a cup of General Mills International Coffee and worked things out, followed by Tara having to get into a Princess Leah costume and work the poll for 30 minutes then everything was water under the bridge. That was until Rosie O’Donnell took a break from making fun of Chinese people and starting going after The Donald for giving Tara another chance. I don’t have a clip of what Rosie said because it was probably boring and not that funny, plus she said it on the view and no clip is worth viewing with those other cackling hens talking and yelling “You go girl!” in the background. The clip you want to see is of Donald Trump’s reaction! (You have to scroll down a little bit.) Sorry for linking off, but I can’t find this clip anywhere but here. Please watch the whole thing, its good to the last line. I’m not sure if Trump is drunk or if he was still high of the ether Mr. Smithers gave him, but either way, its hard not to laugh at his comments. Particularly the comments on Rosie’s girlfriend, who looks like this by the way (Make sure to click that link if you want to see some hot lesbian action!)
This reminds me of the time when I was buying groceries and while I was checking out some broad make a joke to her friend about my purchases of 10 boxes of tissues and 10 bottles of lotion. Two days later when I was headed back to the market for more supplies, I got half way there and yelled out: “I have a cold and dry skin you dried up old skank!” I always think of the great comebacks just a little too late.
Link: Seriously, you need to see this Trump reaction video!
Update: There is more video out there of Trump going off on Rosie, and we have it. Check it out in the video section.
Gratuitous Kate Beckinsale and Friends Photo #41
Online gossip queen Perez Hilton is being dragged into the courtroom for using copyrighted pictures owned by some of the largest paparazzi agencies in the US. I have zero doubt that he will either pay them a ass-load of money in a settlement or he will pay two ass-loads in court because he will lose this case. The proof is pretty astounding and all over his website. You know, those pictures with the stupid drawings of dicks and the words “slut”? How do you come up with gold like that? He must have a team of 13 year old boys working day and night to dream up amazing comedy like that. Seriously though, the real irony of the stupid drawings is that he started doing that because people were stealing his images…and by his I mean the copyrighted images that he never owned in the first place.
I used to read Perez regularly. In fact he made frequent visits here and left a few comments, but I really think he started to suck when he became BFF’s with Paris Hilton. Now all he does is basically run her guerrilla PR campaign by slamming the people she hates and telling stories about how wonderful she is. I’m not usually one to slam a guy for taking on an impossible job, but he must be retarded. I just picture him at some club telling Paris how great she is while holding her hair as she pukes on stage between her “songs”. You not only sold your soul to the devil, but you’re also holding her hair…a small price to pay for fame right?
To sum up: Perez Hilton is getting sued. He’s become the douchey lapdog of Paris Hilton, and he’s not funny. Everyone knows the secret to being funny is spit takes…and something tells me Perez rarely, if ever, spits.
Now take a look at some of these fine copyrighted images of Brooke Burke:
If you promise not to sue me, there are two more copyrighted images of Ms Burke after the jump.
See Lindsay Lohan’s Boob
Her right one to be exact. Its a nice boob. Not the best I’ve ever seen (in case you were wondering I’ve seen thousands!), but a nice one. “A-”
Now, I won’t host the picture here. I just can’t. Like Disney, our name is sysnomous with “family entertainment” and I can’t step over those bounds (that, and I don’t feel like uploading it). However, I will link to it. Lindsay Lohan’s right boob @ wwtdd.com
Enjoy gentlemen.