Mike Defends Lance Armstrong? He Sucks, but He’s No Homophobe.
I didn’t watch the ESPYs (EPSN’s sports award show) because I don’t think the world needs any more award shows. You want to give out awards? Fine. Please do it without the show though. They are always boring. Whether it be movies, music or sports, they basically always boil down to an industry self-love circle jerk, and I don’t have to stomach to watch them. Sure, channels like MTV and ESPN try to make it better with different award categories and hosts that aren’t cut from the usual comedian cloth, but it doesn’t work. Recently, the non-comedian host of this year’s ESPYs got himself in trouble with one of the jokes from his monologue. Maybe you’ve heard, or you…shudder…actually watched the ESPYs, but the host that I speak of was none other than perennial topic, Lance Armstrong. Armstrong dropped an anal sex reference in a joke that he pointed at friend Jake Gyllenhaal, who we all know starred in Brokeback Mountain. You can watch the video clip of Armstrong delivering said joke after the jump, or you read the relevant part right here:
Armstrong: [blah blah blah]…Jake Gyllenhaal is here tonight.
[Applause]
Armstrong:Jake, why are you sitting in the front? I thought you liked it in the rear.
Apparently, this joke garnered some ire or at least the thought and discussion of ire from a few sources. For instance, Richard Sandomir of the New York Times called it a “tasteless line” and wondered how it was not edited it out. I’ll tell you why it wasn’t edited out Dick: Because it wasn’t a big deal. Regular readers of this site will want to brace themselves right now…I’m about to defend Lance Armstrong. There is no reason why Armstrong should be getting any flack for this. First off, lets state the obvious. If you want to get made at anyone for that joke, Armstrong isn’t the guy. Lets not kid ourselves. Armstrong was simply reading a script. Secondly, in the grand pantheon of jokes, that joke sucked. It was the last of roughly 1,000,000,000,000 other Brokeback Mountain jokes and you could see the punchline coming from a mile away. However…if you narrow it down to the pantheon of award show jokes, then the joke isn’t half bad and actually gets a little extra credit for trying to push the Gestapo enforced envelope of modern TV. Lastly, whats to get offended over? Like I said before, its no worse than any other of the billion “Brokeback” jokes that echoed from the TV off every water cooler in the world for the past 9 months. How was that joke offensive? Is it more offensive than calling a Jewish guy cheap or saying a man doesn’t want to ask for directions? Of course its a generalization of a group, thats what 96% of jokes are. Wow, he called Jake Gyllenhaal gay! How edgy! Then add in the fact that its got a real shot at being completely true when you look at Gyllenhaal track record and you’ve actually have a pretty bland joke. Armstrong has actually been accused of being a homophobe. Come on! Correct me if I’m wrong, but there was nothing derogatory or wrong in that joke right? I mean “in the rear” as Armstrong puts it, is how a couple of gay guys get down. So what was wrong hateful in his joke? Its no more hateful that a gay man making a joke about how boring missionary position is. I’m getting tired of the knee-jerk reaction that if you say the word “gay” and you happen to be straight, then you are a homophobe. I guess the overreaction by people is better than the other side that spends their time telling people how to live and if they are going to hell or not, but not by much.
Now if I know Armstrong, he’ll probably redact his joke in some interview in the coming days. He’ll say that he’s sorry and he didn’t want to offend anyone with his comments and that he really shouldn’t of said that. In fact, he might have already released that statement. Either way, thats too bad, and I would go right back on the offensive against Armstrong. You shouldn’t take that joke back. You shouldn’t apologize. Leave it out there. Let Dick from the Times whine about it. Be a man and stand by the joke you had written for you and you practiced delivering in the mirror of your bedroom for weeks on! Who knows, maybe this will make your stupid bracelets more fashionable again. Nevermind, I think the wristband ship has sailed.
Hey new readers!
For more information on why Lance and I have a past (insert your own Brokeback joke here), read some old favorites such as:
Livestrong, die now! (Make sure to take the time and check out the comments.)
Livestrong, die now! II
Livestrong, die now!
Lance Armstrong…enough!
Enough with the damn yellow bracelets that are now everywhere! I’m tired of them, they have just gotten out of hand. In the beginning they were fine. They were for a good cause and the Tour de France was still going on. However these stupid little $1 bracelets have taken off because people are stupid and all it takes is a semi popular star (Sheryl Crow, Justin Timberlake) and the mindless masses jump on whatever crap-train happens to be driving by at the time. This time? That crap-train was these damn yellow bracelets.
So what is the problem? Well the organization initially was fine, but people have made this retarded. i.e. earlier today, I was sad to find out one of my co-workers has been mystified by this stupid fad and decided he wanted one. However he couldn’t find any. The only place where he could get one was this pompous idiot at my workplace that bought a ton of the things and has been hording them. When asked if someone could by one from him, he stated that he has plans to sell them to certain chosen people. How retarded is that? See, this guy doesn’t give a shit about cancer! He just wants him, and his equally lame family and friends to have these things for the status they currently hold in our society. Its time to end this fad of the livestrong bracelets!
I’d be happy too, if I had just won the Tour de France and have an army of stupid people blindly following me for misguided reasons.
And another thing… I really don’t understand why everyone is up Lance Armstrong’s ass so much anyway. Yes, he is probably the greatest athlete his sport has ever seen, but Barry Bonds could be considered that too, and everyone hates him, so that reason for liking Armstrong must be tossed. Why else should we like him? Because he had cancer and came back to win?! Well a lot of other people have had some horrible cases of cancer and have come back to have wonderful lives, maybe they aren’t doing it in the public lives, and they aren’t dating Sheryl Crow, but no one is kissing their asses. Andres Galarraga, a talented major league baseball player has come back from cancer twice! He’s an athlete on a professional level…where is his national kudos? Also, just because you have cancer does not make you a great guy. You could be a complete douche bag and have cancer…that doesn’t make you any less of a douche bag. Lance Armstrong is a douche bag. He has also turned into a complete corporate whore, doing every commercial that comes his way. They aren’t even cool commercials
Now why is this guy so cool again?
If you want to help cancer research, donate the dollar…but tell them to keep their crappy bracelet.
Be sure to check out Livestrong, die now! II