Hell Yeah Bitch! .com

Posted for the wife, who works for one of the local Mapple Apple Stores.

People dump on “Love” all the time…*cough*, but my little general is always one of the first to come (If I wasn’t a gentleman, I would have spelled that differently to be funny.) to her aide, by standing up tall and saying, look, she’s no Heidi Klum, but I’d dive in there!  That being said, I just had a talk with the little dude, and he doesn’t agree with TV Guide, the “magazine” based on the back 4 pages in your local paper’s Everyday section just before the comics, in saying that Jennifer Love Hewitt is TV’s sexiest woman.  What a joke!  To prove it, I’ll pull out a list of 5 different chicks that are currently on TV that are hotter than Jennifer Love Hewitt:

1. Kristen Bell “Heroes”  (I throw this one out first, because regular Hell Yeah Bitch! .com readers knew it was coming anyway.)
2. Evangeline Lilly “Lost”
3. Julie Gonzalo “Eli Stone” (Ah!  Threw an unknown in there didn’t I?!)
4. Sophia Bush “One Tree Hill” (The wife loves this show, I love Sophia Bush.)
5. Heidi Klum “Project Runway”

The TV magician Chris Angel was done in by…TV.

Someone actually used the webspace that their ISP gave them to make a page on how the trick is done and how his own cameras screwed him.

Check it

So I just saw the newest Saturday Night Live Digital Short from this last weekend. Its called “the Shooting”. The sketch is all about people shooting each other in that stupid, melodramatic way that movie shottings happen these days. Its funny, and it debuted last Saturday night. I can’t say that enough, it debuted last Saturday night…last Saturday night!

Why the repatition and the annoying use of strong text? I’ll let a comment on Saturday Night Live’s website that was left earlier today illustrate my point:

“The Shooting” on 4/14/07 was totally against all human comprehension. How could anyone on SNL feel that it was comedy. Then having the horrific Virginia Tech shooting happen today, I felt compelled to let you know how upset it made me.
Maggie*
April 16 – 2:32pm PT

What the holy hell is this retarded broad talking about?! Look, usually I’m a “whatever, do your own thing” kinda guy, but this is a special brand of retarded. You can not be offended because a fictional skit was too much like an event in the news when the skit premiered a over a full day in advanced. That is bullshit. Granted, this particular brand of bullshit isn’t new sadly. I remember the folks that wanted the World Trade Center towers to be taken out of films that were made before 9/11. That of course is also bullshit. By that logic if a guy ever tries to destroy California by shooting a missile into the San Andres Fault in the future then we all need to be retro-actively offended by Superman: The Movie. God this bitch is idiotic beyond words…

I hope to whomever it is that you can hope to and stuff happens the way to you want that this kind of crap doesn’t spread to more than a few backwater towns in Arkansas because if NBC apologizes for this, even a little, I’m going to be so angry I’ll probably go crazy with rage and go do crazy with rage things like punching pregnant ladies in the stomach, step on baby animals or go eat at one of those crappy restaurants they put in Wal-Marts.

*I left her name in because she is stupid and deserved to be mocked.

Jimmy Kimmel is a somewhat popular comedic personality, and I never had much of an issue with him. The funniest thing on the “Man Show” was the fat little kid they made say mean things and Kimmel’s late night show sucks just enough to be horrible but not worse than Leno. Granted, being funnier than Leno is like being skinnier than Rosie O’Donnel, but he’s still not the worst. Basically, I didn’t need him to exist, but I didn’t exactly care that he did. That was until I saw him take his turn talking into a camera while wearing suspenders and cupping Larry King’s balls when he was filling in for the 348 year old talk show host. You may have already seen what Kimmel did on his crazy relevant episode about how much of a bitch it is to be a celebrity, but here it is if not:

I’ve never seen a guy turn in to a huge vagina on live TV before watching that clip, and it was pretty amazing. To sum up, he basically shot stupid juice all over the surprisingly cute (I’m not sure why its surprising, but it is) editor of Gawker, Emily Gould, because of their Gawker Stalker Map feature where one can email in reports of seeing John Goodman eating a live goat outside of the Starbucks on 82nd street. Its nothing that friend-of-the-site Perez Hilton does on his own throughout the day, but somehow Kimmel and his little army of douchebag PR guys and shit-eating lawyers thought that the Stalker Map would lead to the death of countless celebrities, even though nothing remotely dangerous has happened in the 4 years the Map has been going. He then goes on to whine like a little bitch about random people reporting to Gawker that he was drunk one time, and that not all celebrities are rich. …Oh yeah, there was also the part where he, Jimmy fucking Kimmel, told the editor that she should “take a look at her life” and hopes she doesn’t go to hell. Douche…

Here are some follow-up questions for Little Bitch Kimmel:
1. Why do people buy advertising on a website? Because they want people to see the stuff they are trying to sell. In fact, your chubby, penis-shaped head has probably been in more than a few web advertisements.
2. Do people really think you are funny?
3. No seriously…people actually think you are funny?
4. Although I agree not all celebrities are in fact rich, but aren’t those celebrities not rich currently simply because they spent their wealth on coke and feeding their posse?
5. Did you ask Adam Corolla if it was ok to make this “serious journalism” / sneak attack / Bill O’Reilly impersonation first?
6. Just like most “real” journalistic entities “fact check”, though thats debatable these days, don’t most “real” talk show hosts, especially ones that are supposed to be about the facts, let their guests answer the questions before the host cuts them off to insert their clearly biased opinion?
7. Why do you think that I have a strong feeling that you smell like sour milk on an everyday basis?
8. How exactly do you think that you are somehow a better person than, well…anyone and you have the right to look down your nose at her and tell her she should watch out before she ends up in hell? Fuck you man.
9. …yeah. That last one wasn’t really a question, and I admit that. It was more of just me telling you to fuck off. What are your thoughts on that?
10. Do you know why I was surprised to find the editor of Gawker cute? You think she’s cute though right? I couldn’t get a read on your feelings in between all your holier-than-though act and your “I clearly have a grudge, and there’s no way in hell I should be doing this show based on that reason alone” act.

Thanks Mr. Kimmel. I’ll send these over to your PR guy asap and see if you respond.

[Afterthought] I want this post to show up when you Google “Jimmy Kimmel” so bad I’m (re)skid-marking my Underoos. Lets make that happen!

The team that makes South Park use Macs. Not entirely surprising, but some how, if its possible, I like that show a little more now.

justin.tv is the ultimate reality show. Justin has a camera mounted on his head and he is piping live video to the web 24/7. Pretty cool. Two things though: 1. I wish they would have some info on how they set this up. Its an interesting setup and I would love a peek on how they did it. 2. This is a computer geek we are talking about. How will the viewers handle the awkwardness of him “waxing his wifi antenna” so to speak the usual amount of 5-10 times a day? Maybe some type of warning system should be put in to place?

Either way, its interesting especially for you people that are really into reality shows…or watching dudes whack it in the first person.

Looking for something to do on your lunch breaks at work? Check out: tv-links.co.uk and watch excellent shows like Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia…for free…right in your browser.

I have no idea how long this will last, so use it up while you can.

…Seriously watch Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia though, its probably the funniest show on TV.

Here’s something I never really thought about: All the time that the actors on The Office have spend on set looking busy at their desks while other characters are shooting their scenes. So what do they do? Like real office workers, they play on the internet. The best part? Some of them, like my fellow alumnus of Truman State University Jenna Fischer, blog. The super-best part? Her blog is really good. The less-than-best part? She blogs on her MySpace page which loads slower than fat guy moving through a buffet line. Regardless, its still worth a read…

Hello MySpacers! It is Monday and we are finally filming back on set. I’m diligently doing hours and hours of background work. I’ve scoured the internet for furniture, answered emails and had an online chat with Rainn. I’m out of things to keep busy so I’m posting this blog.
…
Good News – We won the SAG Award for Best Comedic Ensemble Cast!

Our table was next to the people from 24 so, yes I was drooling all night. What a great group of people. I talked to Kiefer again…or should I say babbled. Later that night I met Patrick Dempsey. He has magic sparkles that rotate around his head. The word “dreamy” is completely accurate. The best part of the night was probably when Oscar, David, Angela, Kate, her boyfriend and my husband started dancing in the middle of a party that did not have a dance floor. We created a dance craze and soon a bunch of people were going to town.

Its good right? Sure its sad to read about her fawning over one of the dudes from Grey’s Anatomy when she clearly hasn’t seen the glory that is me with my own set of amazing sparkles in orbit around my head. A few years back my doctor tried to make me use a special shampoo to get rid of my “huge disgusting flaky” sparkles, as he put it, but screw that man Patrick Dempsey and I are just fine without your special shampoo! Who else gets people to offer me the rest of their lunch every day in the break room when I sit down next to them and scratch my head. Once those sparkles start flying, everyone wants to give you things to be their friend…

A big “You suck!” goes out to the execs at NBC for seemingly killing the smartest show on television Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. NBC can redeem themselves with a few points by at least releasing the rest of the season so the fans can have some illusion of closure on a great show.